Scaling The Heights of Fear

I have a deep fear of heights. Now, I'm not exactly unique in this area...fear of heights is the second most common fear, right after fear of spiders...but I had it pretty bad...you know, like standing on the kitchen counter to change a light bulb sent shivers up my spine...and I really didn't like feeling that way...Sooo...

I was living in Utah, which had some bearing on my decision...I was...uumm...let's just say I was between marriages and leave it at that, OK? I was sitting in my apartment one day, and I thought, "You know, Dave, (if you're going to talk to yourself, some form of address should be used, yes?) you have a fear of heights...and this fear is probably baseless, foolish and dumb." Now...that thought alone should have told me that anything resembling intelligence that I may have had swirling in the vacuum behind my sinus cavities had probably bailed out on a coffee break. But, did I stop there? Nooo..."Now, Dave, since you have this fear, you should probably do something to get rid of it." Yes, trouble looms...read on...

"You know what, Dave? You should take up Mountain Climbing." Great. Stroll up a mountain path, stopping to smell the flowers, and when you get to the top, why, all your fears are gone, right? HA! Why stop at stupid when you can push it to the limit and do stupid to the utmost extreme? No...I was going to climb sheer walls, swing under outcroppings by my fingernails only, really scare the s**t out of this unnatural fear...and cure myself completely. I was going to use ropes, and pitons and all that good stuff...I was going to learn all the knots necessary...I was going to do this up right...and so I did.

And so, finally, I was ready...and ready to go, despite the fact that my intelligence was still on a coffee break. My smarts being noticeably absent, the first thing I did was leave without telling anyone where I was going...I headed off to Southern Utah to find a peak to climb,,,and the steeper, the better...and boy, did I find one. You've seen the commercials where they have a truck parked on top of what is basically a peak that's about the size of a pin, only the "pin" is 700 feet high? Yeah...like that.

My smarts still being on what had to be the world's longest coffee break, I started climbing...and found that it was easier than I thought it would be...I mean that wall had all kinds of little knobs and holes and fissures and places to put pitons and everything. I was zippin' up that wall...came to an outcropping, swung by my fingernails around it, had a good old time...probably because I never, never, never looked down...AND...I actually made it to the top...crawled up, laid down, closed my eyes...just lay there.

Apparently, while I was laying there, my intelligence returned from its' break, looked around, and said..."WTF?" I turned over...I crawled...slooowwwly to the edge...I peered over...and down...about 400-500 feet down...for you citified folk who haven't seen a mountain lately, think 40-50 story building...I looked out over an absolutely magnificent vista of desert and mountains and beauty and...and I thought the only possible thing I could think when confronted with a view like that: "Oooohhhh, s******t! How in the f*** am I gonna to get down from here?"

I crept back from the edge, turned over on my back, closed my eyes...thought..."Well...I'll just lay here...in seven days, I'll die of dehydration...the wind and the sun will dry me out, maybe mummify me...10,000 years from now an Archeologist will find my dessicated body...and maybe think that because I'm "buried" so high, I must be a king...and I'll be famous...pity I have to wait 10,000 years for my 15 minutes of fame, but what the hell..." At this point, a slight squawk interrupted my little pity party...I opened my eyes..."Oh, look...a herd of vultures is giving me the once over...C'mon down, guys! I'm not goin anywhere..." At this point, of course, I got up and threw rocks at them...let me just say...they were 500 feet above me and about a half a mile away...throwing rocks was obviously not going to really effective...

It took me many, many hours to crawl down the wall...and I have to say that going down was more effective than any enema ever created...I didn't have to use the bathroom for a week after that little jaunt...and let me say this about my fear of heights...did you notice the first sentence of this bit o' writing? Wander back up and take a look...it is written in the present tense...yep, still get the shivers climbing up on the counter to change the lights...

For those of you who have a fear of heights, I have a suggestion...Grab a beer, flop on a nice, soft couch, grab the remote, turn on the TV, watch a documentary on The National Geographic channel...on mountains. This will, without a doubt, erase your fears...your fear of beer, of soft couches, of remotes, of The National Geographic channel. Your fear of heights? Sorry, can't help you with that one...